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"I still get excited about meeting celebrities, because I don't think I'm a celebrity myself."
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"I was at college doing performing arts, and just spending all my time mucking about, and the lecturers thought I would be pretty good at stand-up, so I gave it a whirl."
Time
"I've met Nicole Kidman, Elton John, loads of people."
People
"If you go on stage with the wrong attitude, or something in your performance is off, you can lose an audience in the first minute. That first minute is crucial."
Attitude
"I went to Montreal. My first gig went very badly. They just weren't laughing at anything. I found out they were a load of Christians, and it was a gig to raise money for a new church roof."
Money
"I'd love to do acting, but it'd definitely have to be comedy. I can't do serious. It's completely beyond me."
Love
"I'm just generally hugely frustrated, I'm a very, very frustrated man. I'm just a ball of pent-up frustration."
Frustration
"I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh."
People
"I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved."
Hate
"A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vibe, or the promoter promoted a weird atmosphere."
Blame
"I still get excited about meeting celebrities, because I don't think I'm a celebrity myself."
Celebrity
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"I think that's the thing. I don't want to date a celebrity. I want to date a normal person. So I'm looking for a normal person."
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Personal Development
"My pastor said, Just because you were a celebrity doesn't mean you're supposed to be a celebrity now."
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Personal Development
"If I hadn't become a celebrity, I'd probably be an alcoholic."
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Personal Development
"Celebrity and secrets don't go together. The bastards will get you in the end."
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Personal Development
"Never drink black coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake all afternoon."
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Personal Development
"I've been that celebrity on the red carpet, and I appreciate that something hasn't got to just look good from the front, from the back, it's got to look good at all angles."
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Personal Development
"I've always felt that celebrity was wonderful for a lot of the perks that it could give you."
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Personal Development
"So many celebrity websites you go to are so sterile that you know they just pay somebody to do it and there's not even an ounce of them in it."
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Personal Development
"I was voted Biggest Ham and Likeliest to Become a Celebrity."
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Personal Development
"One U.S. hit single and a hit T Shirt in 1985 does not a celebrity make."
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Personal Development
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