"Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible."

Humor, Employees, Tax

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"Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible."

Exlpore more Humor quotes

"Sometimes absurd logic can be amusing and heart-touching."

Debasish Mridha, American Author

Humor, Logic, Absurd, Heart, Amusement

"I think at its best the American sense of humor is the same as the British sense of humor at its best, which is to be wry and ironic and self deprecating."

Simon Pegg, British Comedian

Humor, American, Self, Sense

"Alimony: the cash surrender value of a husband."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Alimony, Husband, Money, Law

"Beware of giggle grins, they are highly contagious."

Richelle E. Goodrich, American Poet

Humor, Happiness, Truth, Wisdom

"When I reprimanded my son for hair like Michael Jackson he said: "I don't see the problem you wear yours like Michael Jordan.""

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Hair, Identity, Funny

"God, you had enough time to have been through it three times. You've been through my stuff. I bet you over and let one of you stick the world's longest finger up my ass. If a prostate check is an exam, that was a motherfucking safari. I was scared to look down. I thought I'd see that guy's finger nail sticking out of my cock."

Stephen King, American Author

Humor, Regret, Truth, Wisdom, Power

"God alert!" Blackjack yelled. "It's the wine dude!Mr. D sighed in exasperation. "The next person, or horse, who calls me the 'wine dude' will end up in a bottle of Merlot!"

Rick Riordan, American Novelist

Humor, Truth, Wisdom, Power

"Probably went swimming and got eaten by a pineapple."

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, Absurdity, Disappearance, Bizarre

"Monkeys who very sensibly refrain from speech, lest they should be set to earn their livings."

Kenneth Grahame, Scottish Novelist

Humor, Speech

"You always do good ones. We trust you, Mr. Duke," Says Dylan. Foolish lads, thinks Felix: never trust a professional ham."

Margaret Atwood, Canadian Novelist

Humor, Trust, Acting, Performance, Judgment

Explore more quotes by Andy Warhol

"Before I was shot, I always thought that I was more half-there than all-there - I always suspected that I was watching TV instead of living life. Right when I was being shot and ever since, I knew that I was watching television."

Life, Thought, Being, Living

"I suppose I have a really loose interpretation of "work," because I think that just being alive is so much work at something you don't always want to do. The machinery is always going. Even when you sleep."

Work, Being, Sleep, Want

"People need to be made more aware of the need to work at learning how to live because life is so quick and sometimes it goes away too quickly."

Life, Work, People, Learning

"Isn't life a series of images that change as they repeat themselves?"

Change, Life

"Land really is the best art."

Art, Land

"I'm afraid that if you look at a thing long enough, it loses all of its meaning."

Meaning,

"Sex is more exciting on the screen and between the pages than between the sheets."

Sex,

"What's great about this country is that America started the tradition where the richest consumers buy essentially the same things as the poorest."

Society, America, Country, Tradition

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."

Change, Time

"Being good in business is the most fascinating kind of art. Making money is art and working is art and good business is the best art."

Art, Business, Money, Being