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"Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen."
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"Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly."
Party
"Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years."
Controversy
"Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'"
First
"This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him."
Popular
"In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have."
Cure
"Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language."
Success
"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage."
Marriage
"Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood."
African
"Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity."
Fans
"Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans."
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"At the time that I knew them, they were not living together. They began dating again after their divorce, so I didn't really see fighting."
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Personal Development
"I've been dating since I was fifteen. I'm exhausted. Where is he?"
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Personal Development
"I've had a little bad, bad media luck the new year. Well, apparently I'm dating Bill Clinton, which makes me nervous. I didn't know, though."
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Personal Development
"After a number of years dating, we decided we were good partners."
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Personal Development
"Dodi got a lot of criticism when he began dating Princess Diana. No one seemed to think he was good enough for her."
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Personal Development
"No one knew me until I met my wife Lulu. Lulu's mother used to ask, Which one is Maurice? For six months she thought Lulu was dating Barry."
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Personal Development
"I was dating a guy that was a huge wrestling fan and I'm embarrassed to say it now but I used to make fun of him for watching it."
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Personal Development
"I'm much more interested in what an actor has to say about something substantial and important than who they're dating or what clothes they're wearing or some other asinine, insignificant aspect of their life."
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Personal Development
"I stopped dating for six months a year ago. Dating requires a lot of energy and focus."
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Personal Development
"The learned are not agreed as to the time when the Gospel of John was written; some dating it as early as the year 68, others as late as the year 98; but it is generally conceded to have been written after all the others."
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Personal Development
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