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"Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

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"Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist."

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"Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

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"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."

"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"

"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks."

"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"

"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."

"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks."

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."

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