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Jay Leno

"Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments."

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"Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments."

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Akiroq Brost

"The great secret of doctors, known only to their wives, but still hidden from the public, is that most things get better by themselves; most things, in fact, are better in the morning."

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Akiroq Brost

"I'm a terrible patient, and I find that doctors can be very condescending."

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Akiroq Brost

"It is a different genre - a show about something other than doctors, lawyers and cops. Teachers are something completely different. I think it makes for very interesting television."

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Akiroq Brost

"I had a few fibroids removed, and they left me with a Grand Canyon of scar tissue in my uterus. The doctors weren't sure I'd be able to reproduce. I was prepared for a rough road, and then out of nowhere we conceived."

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Akiroq Brost

"Growing up, my dolls were doctors and on secret missions. I had Barbie Goes Rambo."

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Akiroq Brost

"There were symptoms that I saw, and though I went to many doctors and had many tests, no one diagnosed MS."

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Akiroq Brost

"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."

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Akiroq Brost

"And they talk about their bona fide doctors. They have a list of doctors that signed affidavits from looking at a picture of Terry. That's where they get their information from, by looking at a picture."

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Akiroq Brost

"I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for."

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Akiroq Brost

"My doctor tells me I should start slowing it down - but there are more old drunks than there are old doctors so let's all have another round."

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Jay Leno
"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver."
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"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular."
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"The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most."
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Jay Leno
"According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it."
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Jay Leno
"Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors."
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Jay Leno
"You're not famous until my mother has heard of you."
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Jay Leno
"Politics is just show business for ugly people."
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Jay Leno
"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."
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Jay Leno
"I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder."
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Jay Leno
"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet."
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