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"Humor is such a wonderful thing, helping you realize what a fool you are but how beautiful that is at the same time."
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"If it weren't for the last minute nothing would get done."
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Personal Development
"A tie is what you get after ice cubes have wrestled with hot water."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Your party kicked so much ass!Even though you suck so much! It's like, instead of blood, your heart pumps liquid suck! But thanks for the beer!"
Author Name
Personal Development
"Some people make spectacles of themselves with a couple of glasses."
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Personal Development
"Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions."
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Personal Development
"It's not that I really cheat at golf. I play for my health and a low score makes me feel better."
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Personal Development
"The moment you have a self at all, there is a possibility of putting yourself first - wanting to be the centre - wanting to be God, in fact. That was the sin of Satan: and that was the sin he taught the human race. Some people think the fall of man had something to do with sex, but that is a mistake...what Satan put into the heads of our remote ancestors was the idea that they 'could be like Gods' - could set up on their own as if they had created themselves - be their own masters - invent some sort of happiness for themselves outside God, apart from God. And out of that hopeless attempt has come...the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I used to think that size does not count, until I realized that most people either find other people's faeces more disgusting than a bird's droppings, or they do not find the latter disgusting at all."
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Personal Development
"Playing Solitaire is a non-smoking employee's smoke break."
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Personal Development
"Maybe humans are just the pet alligators that God flushed down the toilet."
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Personal Development
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"I do dumb stuff, like playing my favorite dumb Barry White song and lip-synching into the mirror so it looks like his voice is coming out of my mouth."
Dumb
"I used to live a very social life and never spend much solitary time looking at birds or reading."
Life
"Humor is such a wonderful thing, helping you realize what a fool you are but how beautiful that is at the same time."
Humor
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke."
Love
"In life there are always these things happening if you can just get the joke."
Life
"I need to be cheered up a lot. I think funny people are people who need to be cheered up."
Funny
"I am not sure how much I would like being married if I wasn't married to him. A man who likes flea markets and isn't gay? I knew I was lucky."
Being
"I've gotten a lot of livid letters about the awfulness of my work. I've never known what to make of it. Why do people bother to write if they hate what I do?"
Work
"If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile."
Love
"Cartoonist was the weirdest name I finally let myself have. I would never say it. When I heard it I silently thought, what an awful word."
Thought
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