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"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
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Explore more quotes by Emo Philips

"Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist."

"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."

"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"

"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
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"Live is not about constantly fighting to keep someone in your life. It is about constantly fighting for a better life together."
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