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"Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying."
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
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Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
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Personal Development
"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."
Author Name
Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
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Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
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Personal Development
"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."
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Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
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Personal Development
"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."
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Personal Development
"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"
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Personal Development
"I went to the kitchen and felt-up the turkey."
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Personal Development
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"Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw."
Love
"Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try."
Humor
"As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you."
Time
"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."
Humor
"Humility is no substitute for a good personality."
Humility
"Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat."
Humor
"Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back."
Attitude
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."
Humor
"Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."
Humor
"I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not."
Luck
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