"My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money."

"People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them... Well, it's killing me!"

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."

"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."

"Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you."