"I only use my sick days for hang-overs and soap opera weddings."

"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them."

"My mom always said that if the Protestants catch a Catholic in their church, they feed them to the Jews."

"If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny."

"If somebody on this team actually gets to first base, I'll stand there naked."