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"I think over there in Montreal they're a bit hardcore with the old homos. They're not that keen on them."
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"Well, I do have some maiden aunts that are not quite like the aunts in the book, but I definitely do have a couple of them, and a couple of old aunties."
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"The Helicon of too many poets is not a hill crowned with sunshine and visited by the Muses and the Graces, but an old, mouldering house, full of gloom and haunted by ghosts."

"You can always tell an old soldier by the inside of his holsters and cartridge boxes. The young ones carry pistols and cartridges; the old ones, grub."
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"I'd love to do acting, but it'd definitely have to be comedy. I can't do serious. It's completely beyond me."

"I was at college doing performing arts, and just spending all my time mucking about, and the lecturers thought I would be pretty good at stand-up, so I gave it a whirl."

"If you go on stage with the wrong attitude, or something in your performance is off, you can lose an audience in the first minute. That first minute is crucial."

"I went to Montreal. My first gig went very badly. They just weren't laughing at anything. I found out they were a load of Christians, and it was a gig to raise money for a new church roof."

"I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved."

"I still get excited about meeting celebrities, because I don't think I'm a celebrity myself."

"I'm just generally hugely frustrated, I'm a very, very frustrated man. I'm just a ball of pent-up frustration."

"A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vibe, or the promoter promoted a weird atmosphere."
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