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"When I read something saying I've not done anything as good as "Catch-22" I'm tempted to reply, "Who has?""
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"When you're the spokeswoman for a weight-loss program, everything is witnessed. I weigh in once a week with a witness. I have to sign an affidavit saying I cannot have any surgeries."
"I have to say that when I was young, when any politician was talking I wasn't even interested. Maybe they were saying some nice stuff, but then if you put Michael Jordan on TV, I was interested!"
"A win for one is a win for all - and I'm not just saying that because Dumas did."
"As the saying goes, I want to be the best-looking corpse there is."
"Most remarks that are worth making are commonplace remarks. The things that makes them worth saying is that we really mean them."
"This multicultural approach, saying that we simply live side by side and live happily with each other has failed. Utterly failed."
"So it's mix and match. Hold your line when you really feel something you're saying is wonderful and you really want to get this point across and prove it to your partner by just throwing it into the tape and letting it speak for itself."
Explore more quotes by Joseph Heller
"But that was war. Just about all he could find in its favor was that it paid well and liberated children from the pernicious influence of their parents."
"I want to keep my dreams, even bad ones, because without them, I might have nothing all night long."
"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."
"I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private individuals."
"Hungry Joe collected lists of fatal diseases and arranged them in alphabetical order so that he could put his finger without delay on any one he wanted to worry about."
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