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"The troops and their ladies had first drunk champagne. There were also remains of sandwiches, and I stepped on one, which I think was either cucumber or watercress. I scraped it off on the curbing, left it there for germs. I'll tell you this, though: No germ is going to leave the Solar System eating sissy stuff like that.Plutonium! Now there's the stuff to put hair on a microbe's chest."
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"Punctuality is the thief of time."
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Personal Development
"The difficulty with humourists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don't whichever seems likelier to win an effect."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I come here with no expectations, only to profess, now that I am at liberty to do so, that my heart is and always will be...yours."
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Personal Development
"Satire is a lesson, parody is a game."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Oh, brothers! I don't care for brothers. My elder brother won't die, and my younger brothers seem never to do anything else."
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Personal Development
"I picked up one of the books and flipped through it. Don't get me wrong, I like reading. But some books should come with warning labels: Caution: contains characters and plots guaranteed to induce sleepiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery after ingesting more than one chapter. Has been known to cause blindness, seizures and a terminal loathing of literature. Should only be taken under the supervision of a highly trained English teacher. Preferably one who grades on the curve."
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Personal Development
"I'm just trying to portray what I find ironic or humorous."
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Personal Development
"Carnal embrace is the practice of throwing one's arms around a side of beef."
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Personal Development
"What are you doing in a fast lane, snail?"
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Personal Development
"He wondered reflectively what would happen if you asked a nun where the Gents was. Probably the Pope sent you a sharp note or something."
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Personal Development
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"I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different."
Earth
"A society, on occasion, can be the worst possible describer of mental health."
Society
"He gave me the key, which I later discovered would open practically every door in the hotel. I thanked him, and I made a small mistake we irony collectors often make: I tried to share an irony with a stranger. It can't be done. I told him I had been in the Arapahoe before-in Nineteen-hundred and Thirty-one. He was not interested."
Social
"What is my definition of jazz? 'Safe sex of the highest order."
Music
"Somebody gets into trouble, then gets out of it again. People love that story. They never get tired of it."
Storytelling
"You can't just eat good food. You've got to talk about it too. And you've got to talk about it to somebody who understands that kind of food."
Social
"If I should ever die, God forbid, let this be my epitaph:THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDEDFOR THE EXISTENCE OF GODWAS MUSIC."
Faith
"I have no culture, no humane harmony in my brains. I can't live without a culture anymore."
Culture
"And I was some of the mud that got to sit up and look around. Lucky me, lucky mud."
Existence
"When a person dies he only appears to die. He is still very much alive in the past, so it is very silly for people to cry at his funeral. All moment, past, present, future, always have existed, always will exist."
Death
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