"If the mattress stains were anything to go by, a previous user had not so much suffered from incontinence as rejoiced in it."

Humor, Observation, Irony, Detail

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"If the mattress stains were anything to go by, a previous user had not so much suffered from incontinence as rejoiced in it."

Exlpore more Humor quotes

"I've accepted the fact I have mental illness but when my imaginary friends start calling me crazy that's where I draw the line."

Stanley Victor Paskavich, American Politician

Humor, Mental, Friend, Imagination

"Crap, are you thinking what I'm thinking?""I'm thinking we have about fifteen vampires and no blood," Claire said. "Is that it?""No, I was thinking we're out of chips. Of course that's what I was thinking."

Rachel Caine, Canadian Actress

Humor, Blood, Survival, Friendship

"Got a lot of sinful idears--but they seem kinda sensible."

John Steinbeck, American Author

Humor, Sin, Idea, Truth

"Laughter comes later, like wisdom teeth. And laughter at yourself comes last of all in a mad race with death. And sometimes, it isn't in time."

John Steinbeck, American Author

Humor, Laughter, Wisdom, Mortality

"Never stay up on the barren heights of cleverness, but come down into the green valleys of silliness."

Ludwig Wittgenstein, Austrian Philosopher

Humor, Cleverness

"I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing."

Jonathan Swift, Irish Writer

Humor, First, Fool, Kissing, Wonder

"If they gave him an enema, he could be buried in a matchbox."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Death, Sarcasm, Mortality

"Name the greatest of all inventors: Accident."

Mark Twain, American Author

Humor, Accident, Creativity, Surprise

"Pessimist - one who when he has the choice of two evils chooses both."

Oscar Wilde, Irish Dramatist

Humor, Pessimism, Evil, Choice, Irony

"Pardon my French if you're a religious man.''I am,' Bill said, grinning.'Then get outta my cab and go to fucking church,' the cabbie said, and they both burst out laughing."

Stephen King, American Author

Humor, Faith, Truth, Wisdom

Explore more quotes by Bill Bryson

"Linguist say parties in the conversation will tolerate silence for four seconds before interjecting anything, however unrelated."

Conversation

"There are three stages in scientific discovery. First, people deny that it is true, then they deny that it is important; finally they credit the wrong person."

Science

"One idea to a sentence is still the best advice that anyone has ever given on writing."

Writing

"A computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things."

Technology

"It wasn't until we dropped him at his university dormitory and left him there looking touchingly lost and bewildered amid an assortment of cardboard boxes and suitcases in a spartan room not unlike a prison cell that it really hit home that he was vanishing out of our lives and into his own."

Reflection

"It is not as if farming brought a great improvement in living standards either. A typical hunter-gatherer enjoyed a more varied diet and consumed more protein and calories than settled people, and took in five times as much viatmin C as the average person today."

Anthropology

"The youth of Idaho falls should be encouraged to take drugs in order to cope up with the fact that there is plutonium in their drinking water."

Provocation

"A third...candidate for Shakespearean authorship was Christopher Marlowe. He was the right age (just two months older than Shakespeare), had the requisite talent, and would certainly have had ample leisure after 1593, assuming he wasn't too dead to work."

Authorship

"She would only make me take my seat if I didn't act calm and Swiss about it all."

Stoicism

"Why is it, I wondered, that old people are always so self-centered and excitable? But I just smiled benignly and stood back, comforted by the thought that soon they would be dead."

Aging