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"A distinguished clergyman told me that he chose the profession of a clergyman because it afforded the most leisure for literary pursuits. I would recommend to him the profession of a governor."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Most politicians lie for the same reason a monkey swings by his tail, which is to say because he can."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Piracy n: commerce without its folly-swaddles - just as God made it."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Or he'd watch the news: more plagues, more famines, more floods, more insect or microbe or small-mammal outbreaks, more droughts, more chickenshit boy-soldier wars in distant countries. Why was everything so much like itself?"
Author Name
Personal Development
"Shall I ask you how the church is to be filled, if a man is neither to take orders with a living, nor without?"
Author Name
Personal Development
"New York is a sucked orange."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Fella says today, 'Depression is over. I seen a jackrabbit, an' they wasn't nobody after him.' An' another fella says, 'That aint the reason. Can't afford to kill jackrabbits no more. Catch 'em and milk 'em an' turn 'em loose. One you seen prob'ly gone dry."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Now-a-days, men wear a fool's cap, and call it a liberty cap."
Author Name
Personal Development
"On the Kite, the situation was being 'workshopped'. This is the means by which people who don't know anything get together to pool their ignorance."
Author Name
Personal Development
"You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps."
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Personal Development
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"Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man."
Reflection
"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary."
Politics
"A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there."
Religion
"There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor."
Humor
"Nine times out of ten, in the arts as in life, there is actually no truth to be discovered; there is only error to be exposed."
Truth
"Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance."
Politics
"Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient."
Marriage
"The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught."
Integrity
"Nothing can come out of an artist that is not in the man."
Artistry
"The demagogue is one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots."
Politics
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