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"Look at yourself on the day that you graduated from college, then look at yourself today. I did that recently and it was like, 'Yikes! What the hell happened?"
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"Solitude is a wonderful treasure the world is still yet to discover."

"We must stop calling bribes in our higher institutions "helping my child to gain admission."

"I see that the culture that is prevalent right now in Nigeria and indeed Africa is the culture of GET RICH QUICK."

"Solitude allows you to be able to arrange your life only around your destiny."

"If you don't monitor your life, you will regret it. If you don't measure your life, you will regret it."

"Always ask yourself what you have achieved within a given time and the product of your life."

"We need to analyze our picture of the world."

"Neglect is a major reason for some of the most painful experiences we suffer in life."

"Reconsider your life and see how you can make things work for yourself."

"To be a Pharisee is not to understand kingdom principles."
Explore more quotes by David Sedaris

"Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it."

"I would later discover it was a bad idea to gather more than two of these people in an enclosed area for any length of time. The stage was not only a physical place but also a state of mind, and the word audience was defined as anyone forced to suffer your company. We young actors were a string of lightbulbs left burning 24 hours a day, exhausting ourselves and others with our self-proclaimed brilliance."

"I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself."

"Each one of us is left to choose our own quality of life and take pleasure where we find it with the understanding that, like Mom used to say, sooner or later something's gonna get you."

"The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, 'I want to love, I want to live..."

"Cover your glass in France or Germany --even worse, in England - and in the voice of someone who has personally affronted, your host will ask why you're not drinking. 'Oh, I just don't feel like it this morning.''Why not?''I guess I'm not in the mood?''Well, this'll put you in the mood. Here. Drink up.''No, really, I'm OK.''Just taste it.''Actually, I'm sort of...well, I sort of have a problem with it.''Then how about half a glass?"

"I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwitz is a brand of beer."

"If you are any kind of an artist, then validation can be a result, but you're going to do the work anyway. Because you're just wired that way. It's so engrained, it's such a part of your personality that you don't just stop doing it."

"The thought of killing myself had slowed me down to five miles per hour. The thought of killing someone else stopped me completely."
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