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"It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs."
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"Look!' said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, 'Someone who cares!"
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Personal Development
"When some smart ass asks you if you're driving, you say, 'Nope, just kicking the tires.' You have to make sure you actually kick them all on your way around to the passenger side. Otherwise it's like lying."
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Personal Development
"We are suffering from too much sarcasm."
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Personal Development
"It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Gabi to Marcus "I can't believe out of one hundred thousand sperm, you were the fastest!"
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Personal Development
"Are you suggesting I'm working with thezombies? That I paid them to pretend toattack me so that I'd trick you into letting me join you?"Did you? Mr. Holland demanded."Yeah, okay, I said in a sugar-sweet tone. "You're right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steaks, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for you I promised him I wouldn't tell. In exchange I asked him to gather hisbest undead buddies and stalk me throughmy friend's yard. And oh, yeah, it wastotally fine if they wanted to use me as an all-night dinner buffet, because having organs is so last season."
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Personal Development
"Just wait until he figures out I shut him out of his slut hut."
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Personal Development
"Great! He has indigestion, so let's torture him with cake."
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Personal Development
"I don't believe in God, don't believe in the devil. Unless you want to count my mother. She might be Satan's sister, I suppose."
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Personal Development
"You should always believe what you read in the newspapers, for that makes them more interesting."
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Personal Development
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"But to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu?"
Humor
"So I am death' Charlie said then turned to his daughter while buttering his toast.'This is death toast sweety."
Humor
"The prospect of change is a many-fanged beast, my dear."
Growth
"I've won Satan's lottery."
Religion
"My children are monsters, Kiro thought. And I am responsible. Perhaps if I had read them the haikus of Basho when they were little instead of that American manifesto of high-pressure sales, Green Eggs and Ham..."
Parenting
"There's a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality--there's mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin."
Grief
"The Painting is not shit,' said Lucien.'I know,' said Henri. 'That was just part of the subterfuge. I am of royal lineage; subterfuge is one of the many talents we carry in our blood, along with guile and hemophilia."
Deception
"In another Christmas story, Dale Pearson, evil developer, self-absorbed woman hater, and seemingly unredeemable curmudgeon, might be visited in the night by a series of ghosts who, by showing him bleak visions of Christmas future, past, and present, would bring about in him a change to generosity, kindness, and a general warmth toward his fellow man. But this is not that kind of Christmas story, so here, in not too many pages, someone is going to dispatch the miserable son of a bitch with a shovel. That's the spirit of Christmas yet to come in these parts. Ho, ho, ho."
Christmas
"Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)' I thinks she's going to break my heart' On arrival of the girl' The flannel is fine honey,but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!"
Humor
"I gave you all!' screeched Lear, waving a palsied claw at Regan.'And you took your bloody time giving it, too, you senile old fuck,' said Regan."
Family
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