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"Epitaph n: an inscription on a tomb showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect."
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
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Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
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Personal Development
"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."
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Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
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Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
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Personal Development
"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."
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Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
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Personal Development
"She breathed an enormous sigh, looked at Poirot, Looked away, and suddenly blurted out, "You're too old. Nobody told me you were so old. I really don't want to be rude but - there it is. You're too old. I'm really sorry." She turned abruptly and blundered out of the room, rather like a desperate moth in lamplight. Poirot, his mouth open, heard the bang of the front door. He ejaculated: "Non d'un nom d'un nom..."
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Personal Development
"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."
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Personal Development
"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"
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"Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her."
Happiness
"Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills."
Body
"What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country."
Nation
"Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope."
Hope
"Life - a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay."
Life
"Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead."
Friendship
"Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced."
Wisdom
"Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead."
Power
"Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable."
Famous
"To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice."
Positive
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