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"Epitaph n: an inscription on a tomb showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect."
Standard
Customized
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"Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another."
Crime
"The slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations."
History
"Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art."
Art
"Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly."
Family
"It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better."
Change
"Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion."
Religion
"Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy."
Law
"Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her."
Happiness
"Sabbath - a weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh."
God
"Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead."
Power
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
Author Name
Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
Author Name
Personal Development
"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."
Author Name
Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
Author Name
Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I'm trying to remember how you tell the time by looking at the sun." -"I should leave it for a while, it's too bright to see the numbers at the moment."
Author Name
Personal Development
"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Comedy strikes here... just to reduce pressure and depression."
Author Name
Personal Development
"They're both bungholes who think they're too noble to shit."
Author Name
Personal Development
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