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"A distinguished clergyman told me that he chose the profession of a clergyman because it afforded the most leisure for literary pursuits. I would recommend to him the profession of a governor."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Most politicians lie for the same reason a monkey swings by his tail, which is to say because he can."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Piracy n: commerce without its folly-swaddles - just as God made it."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Or he'd watch the news: more plagues, more famines, more floods, more insect or microbe or small-mammal outbreaks, more droughts, more chickenshit boy-soldier wars in distant countries. Why was everything so much like itself?"
Author Name
Personal Development
"Shall I ask you how the church is to be filled, if a man is neither to take orders with a living, nor without?"
Author Name
Personal Development
"New York is a sucked orange."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Fella says today, 'Depression is over. I seen a jackrabbit, an' they wasn't nobody after him.' An' another fella says, 'That aint the reason. Can't afford to kill jackrabbits no more. Catch 'em and milk 'em an' turn 'em loose. One you seen prob'ly gone dry."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Time is a waste of money."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Now-a-days, men wear a fool's cap, and call it a liberty cap."
Author Name
Personal Development
"On the Kite, the situation was being 'workshopped'. This is the means by which people who don't know anything get together to pool their ignorance."
Author Name
Personal Development
More
"But to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu?"
Humor
"So I am death' Charlie said then turned to his daughter while buttering his toast.'This is death toast sweety."
Humor
"The prospect of change is a many-fanged beast, my dear."
Growth
"I've won Satan's lottery."
Religion
"My children are monsters, Kiro thought. And I am responsible. Perhaps if I had read them the haikus of Basho when they were little instead of that American manifesto of high-pressure sales, Green Eggs and Ham..."
Parenting
"There's a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality--there's mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin."
Grief
"Children see magic because they look for it."
Childhood
"The Painting is not shit,' said Lucien.'I know,' said Henri. 'That was just part of the subterfuge. I am of royal lineage; subterfuge is one of the many talents we carry in our blood, along with guile and hemophilia."
Deception
"In another Christmas story, Dale Pearson, evil developer, self-absorbed woman hater, and seemingly unredeemable curmudgeon, might be visited in the night by a series of ghosts who, by showing him bleak visions of Christmas future, past, and present, would bring about in him a change to generosity, kindness, and a general warmth toward his fellow man. But this is not that kind of Christmas story, so here, in not too many pages, someone is going to dispatch the miserable son of a bitch with a shovel. That's the spirit of Christmas yet to come in these parts. Ho, ho, ho."
Christmas
"Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)' I thinks she's going to break my heart' On arrival of the girl' The flannel is fine honey,but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!"
Humor
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