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"Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
Father
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
Driving
"I love acting, but it's all just a bonus."
Love
"I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy."
Day
"With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke."
People
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"
Building
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
Home
"I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum."
People
"Black beauty - he's a dark horse."
Beauty
"My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul."
Soul
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"Necessity is not an established fact, but an interpretation."
Author Name
Personal Development
"There are no facts, only interpretations."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Theory helps us to bear our ignorance of facts."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I'm older. There's some sort of seniority. As a matter of fact, the seniority ebbs as you get older."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Our relationship was cursed by the fact that we agreed on everything."
Author Name
Personal Development
"The third group is focused on counterintelligence and security. I think the reason for that is fairly evident, in terms of vulnerabilities of the department and the harm that can come to it by failing to detect when we have, in fact, been harmed."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I don't know if I miss it per se, but I do miss the fact that there just doesn't seem to be any rock 'n' roll out there anyplace. Everything does seem kind of tame. It's even hard in Manhattan to go out and find a good band to go see."
Author Name
Personal Development
"The mind is the limit. As long as the mind can envision the fact that you can do something, you can do it, as long as you really believe 100 percent."
Author Name
Personal Development
"The fact is that when it comes to judgment as to what should be secret and what should not be secret, Julian Assange's judgment has been pretty good so far."
Author Name
Personal Development
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