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"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.""
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"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."
Gay
"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"
Father
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
First
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Life
"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."
People
"My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing."
Computer
"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."
Life
"Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day."
Family
"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."
Worth
"He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites."
Disaster
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"We cannot measure time. We can only measure changes of life and the universe."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I wouldn't ask too much of her,' I ventured. 'You can't change the past.''Can't change the past?' he cried incredulously. 'Why of course you can!"
Author Name
Personal Development
"Life is a bubble in the ocean of time. At the same time, it can hold all the water of the ocean in her heart."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Wouldn't it be amazing if you could travel into the future, see where you messed up, and then go back in time to rearrange things in order to make your future better? You can. If you can foresee regret, you can mind-travel to the future. If you can train yourself to mind-travel effectively, you can intentionally affect your future by doing something about it today."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
Author Name
Personal Development
"A broad margin of leisure is as beautiful in a man's life as in a book. Haste makes waste, no less in life than in housekeeping. Keep the time, observe the hours of the universe, not of the cars."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Time takes it all whether you want it to or not, time takes it all. Time bares it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again."
Author Name
Personal Development
"God had infinite time to give us.... He cut it up into a near succession of new mornings and with each therefore a new idea new inventions and new applications."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Time is the greatest and longest-established spinner of all. ... His factory is a secret place his work noiseless and his hands are mutes."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Eternity is a mere moment, just long enough for a joke."
Author Name
Personal Development
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