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Phyllis Diller

"I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?"

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"I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?"

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"But you know, it's not easy when your husband runs for president. I mean, it's not easy for me. I'm sure it's not easy for her. There's a lot of scrutiny on families that isn't always wanted."

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"Yes, I am seeking a husband. As soon as the right man asks me, I shall say, It is not good for a woman to live alone."

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"I figure when you get married, it doesn't matter how much you earn or how much your husband earns, just as long as everything you do for the house is together, while still reserving some part of yourself to be yourself."

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"I was never a dangerous woman. I'm not the prissy blonde woman that could take your husband away."

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Phyllis Diller
"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."
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"Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves."
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Phyllis Diller
"Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed."
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Phyllis Diller
"My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual."
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Phyllis Diller
"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."
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"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
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Phyllis Diller
"You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type."
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Phyllis Diller
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
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Phyllis Diller
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
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Phyllis Diller
"It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core."
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