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"A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows."
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"You could just as well say that an agnostic is a deeply religious person with at least a rudimentary knowledge of human fallibility."

"God has forgiven and still forgives us when we repent from our sins, an indication that we are not called to sin, but to live in accordance with His will."

"Pious people spoke to God, and crazy people imagined that God spoke back."
Explore more quotes by Mark Twain

"The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right."

"T[he rules of writing] require that the personages in a tale shall be alive, except in the case of corpses, and that always the reader shall be able to tell the corpses from the others."

"In the afternoon the ship's company assembled aft, on deck, under the awnings; the flute, the asthmatic meodeon, and the consumptive clarinet crippled the Star Spangled Banner, the choir chased it to cover, and George came in with a peculiarly lacerating screech on the final note and slaughtered it. Nobody mourned. We carried out the corpse on three cheers (that joke was not intentional and I do not endorse it)."

"April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four."
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