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David Letterman

"People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine."

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"People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine."

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"You've got people who are looking at DNA evidence and other evidence like that and they're ignoring it."

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"Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?"
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"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton."
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"Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger."
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"President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?"
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"President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger."
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"I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host."
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"I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious."
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"Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives."
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"Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel."
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"The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong."
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