"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"

Father, Girlfriend

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"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"

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"More and more couples are having this negotiation or discussion, but I'm still amazed at the number who aren't and where the cultural norm sort of kicks in and they just assume that mom's got to be the one who stays home, not dad."

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"It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father."

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"And my dad wanted me to play the trumpet because that's what he liked. His idol was Louis Armstrong. My dad thought my teeth came together in a way that was perfect for playing the trumpet."

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"My father wasn't a very good lawyer. He thought the law was sacred and something that was meant to help people. He didn't charge people like he should have... which is why I was allowed to play bars and strip joints when I was 14."

Max Weinberg, American Musician

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"There were 15 people in the village, including five of us. If my father arrested somebody in the winter, he'd have to wait until the thaw to turn him in."

Leslie Nielsen, Canadian Actor

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"There will always be a father."

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"My earliest acting memory is making up a play for my mom and dad called The Lonesome Baby. I have no idea what The Lonesome Baby was about. I just remember the title. But I'm sure it was an epic."

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"I'm into being a dad, that's where my focus is most of the time. I'm an actor that's my job, but it's not my life. I have a lot of other interests too."

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Explore more quotes by Emo Philips

"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."

Beer

"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.""

Time

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."

Worth

"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."

Coffee

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

Today

"My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing."

Computer

"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."

Night

"Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day."

Family

"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."

Friendship

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

Work