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"Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly."
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"Once the principals in their party are seated, with those lower on the totem pole left to grumble and move on to find another table, our once-cozy booth transforms into a damp fusion of vacuous wretchedness, with the three women all complaining alternately about their wet hair/clothes and their respective distance from Talon, while the man himself is trying to maneuver his Paul Bunyan frame way too close to me."
"I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat."
"The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it's been carrying on, then the rest of us ought to get it without even asking."
"I am not the Catholic candidate for President. I am the Democratic Party's candidate for President, who happens also to be a Catholic."
"A lot of Republicans are white Christians, but the Republican Party is reaching out to Hispanics, and reaching out to blacks, and reaching out to Asians."
"Had he learned to draw, M. Renoir would have made a very pleasing canvas out of his 'Boating Party'."
"The Democratic Party is getting very angry, and that came through clearly in this election."
"So I had a couple of years of playing trumpet. I really enjoyed it, but it was not the kind of instrument you could whip out at a party. Let's face it."
"The Democratic Party has pretty much abandoned all the things that they cherish."
"I joined the Communist Party late in 1934. I got out a year and a half later."
Explore more quotes by Conan O'Brien
"Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion."
"Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me."
"The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army."
"Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language."
"This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him."
"Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."
"In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani."
"The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'"
"Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity."
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