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"Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly."
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"I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much."
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Personal Development
"The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it's been carrying on, then the rest of us ought to get it without even asking."
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Personal Development
"I am not the Catholic candidate for President. I am the Democratic Party's candidate for President, who happens also to be a Catholic."
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Personal Development
"But Hale's warning the President about going to Dallas was that there was great infighting among the members of the Democratic party and the Democratic stars in the state and he didn't want the President to become involved in a factional disagreement."
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Personal Development
"Memorial Service: Farewell party for someone who already left."
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Personal Development
"I was at a party three weeks prior to the murders at Roman Polanski and Sharon Tate's house."
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Personal Development
"Whereas Jeremy is just the opposite: always moving because he's never really thinking of anything and the kind of guy you'd worry inviting to a dinner party because he says what he thinks. He can be insulting at times but doesn't mean to be."
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Personal Development
"A lot of Republicans are white Christians, but the Republican Party is reaching out to Hispanics, and reaching out to blacks, and reaching out to Asians."
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Personal Development
"Had he learned to draw, M. Renoir would have made a very pleasing canvas out of his 'Boating Party'."
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Personal Development
"Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?"
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"In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union."
People
"In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath."
Man
"Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, 'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo.'"
Time
"John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don't know what they're doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career."
Control
"Fish recognize a bad leader."
Leader
"Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion."
Exhaustion
"Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me."
School
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'"
Woman
"If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice."
Life
"Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen."
Dating
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