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"I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious."
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"Why do you always insist on playing while I'm trying to conduct?"
"No matter what I have to say, I'm still trying to say it in comedic form."
"I don't think I could live with myself if I stopped trying."
"If you're trying to please everyone, then you're not going to make anything that is honestly yours, I don't think, in the long run."
"While trying to protect the republic, the conspirators in Julius Caesar enable Mark Antony to triumph. In Rose Rage, the more Henry VI tries to fix things, the more they go wrong."
"One of the things that I have learned since trying to bring in an interesting story in under 28 pages is that we already agree on great chunks of typical superhero stories."
"My main efforts focussed on trying to identify the rate controlling steps during the cell cycle. Crucial for this analysis were wee mutants that were advanced prematurely through the cell cycle and so divided at a reduced cell size."
"Oh, who am I trying to kid? It's a madhouse. The minute those cameras go off, things just explode, everyone is just at each other in one way or another, in closets or cat fights here and there. It's nuts. You know, I can't be a part of it."
Explore more quotes by David Letterman
"We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector."
"Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water."
"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag."
"Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives."
"Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?"
"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees."
"It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?"
"I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments."
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