"Romance is dead - it was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece."

"Is your remarkably sexist drivel intentional, or just some horrible mistake?"

"Everybody sort of questioned why we get married on New Year's Day, and of course, the avid sports fans wouldn't come, because they had to watch the Rose Bowl or whatever that is on that day."

"A man who envies our family is a man who needs help."

"Oh no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican."