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"I don't get a chance to be funny with the thrillers. I like to be funny, and I think I am really funny. So with 'Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life', it was fun to let loose."
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"This summer, I'll be bringing out a mystery that involves a young lawyer and a court scene the likes of which I don't think you've ever seen. Hollywood said this is James Patterson meets John Grisham."
Writing
"The vampire underworld is much larger than most people could imagine. It exists in all the cities mentioned in the book, but also in many, many more. Teenagers, especially, seem to like to act out vampire fantasies."
People
"I grew up in a house full of women: my mother, grandmother, three sisters, and two female cats. And I still have the buzz of their conversations in my head. As an adult, I have more female friends than male ones: I just love the way that women talk."
Friendship
"I did know that the book would end with a mind-boggling trial, but I didn't know exactly how it would turn out. I like a little suspense when I am writing, too."
Writing
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It's a grain. It's like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
Humor
"Basically, I have two speeds.... Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice."
Character
"Max, if you survive your final test, can you steal me one of those magic outfits for me?" I'll try to get one for each of us. Hey! 'If'?"
Fantasy
"He [Iggy] started reaching for things around the table, and his hand landed on Total. "You're black."I prefer canine-American, said Total."
Humor
"Let's face it: Most of us don't realize it, but we are failing our kids as reading role models. The best role models are in the home: brothers, fathers, grandfathers; mothers, sisters, grandmothers. Moms and dads, it's important that your kids see you reading. Not just books - reading the newspaper is good, too."
Education
"I want to be able to see stuff," Iggy said. "Like I used to, when I was little. And I want to be able to totally kick Jeb's butt."
Inspirational
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"Some days you live in pajamas, and your hair kind-of has that Albert Einstein look."
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Personal Development
"You can either buy clothes or buy pictures," she said. "It's that simple. No one who is not very rich can do both. Pay no attention to your clothes and no attention at all to the mode, and buy your clothes for comfort and durability, and you will have the clothes money to buy pictures."
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Personal Development
"The bed is just a decoration in a busy man's bedroom."
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Personal Development
"Leisure time is when your wife can't find you."
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Personal Development
"Bad taste creates many more millionaires than good taste."
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Personal Development
"Luckily, I always travel with a book, just in case I have to wait on line for Santa, or some such inconvenience."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I had never been a dresser. My shirts were all faded and shrunken, 5 or 6 years old, threadbare. My pants the same. I hated department stores, I hated the clerks, they acted so superior, they seemed to know the secret of life, they had a confidence I didn't possess. My shoes were always broken down and old, I disliked shoe stores too. I never purchased anything until it was completely unusable, and that included automobiles. It wasn't a matter of thrift, I just couldn't bear to be a buyer needing a seller, seller being so handsome and aloof and superior. Besides, it all took time, time when you could just be laying around and drinking."
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Personal Development
"An indoor man eats nothing, except that which is prepared and served by his mother with lots of insults, an outdoor man eats that which he buys, prepares, served and eaten with lots of respect."
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Personal Development
"Never miss day without a walk."
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Personal Development
"I could take a shower every day in my own bathroom. I almost didn't know what to do with such luxury. Other than, you know, not stink."
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Personal Development
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