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"The biggest laughs are based on the biggest disappointments and the biggest fears."
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"If it weren't for the last minute nothing would get done."
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Personal Development
"When you love someone, you don't care that she ate your sandwich. You only hope she found it delicious."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Some kleptomaniacs do not steal things only; they also, while some only, steal lovers."
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Personal Development
"You know, Aunt Tasha makes jokes about how youE1d actually be a better queen than the others, except sometimes . . . I donE1t think sheE1s joking."
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Personal Development
"A tie is what you get after ice cubes have wrestled with hot water."
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Personal Development
"Zombies are far better than religious people, because they do not discriminate in killing."
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Personal Development
"Your party kicked so much ass!Even though you suck so much! It's like, instead of blood, your heart pumps liquid suck! But thanks for the beer!"
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Personal Development
"Some people make spectacles of themselves with a couple of glasses."
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Personal Development
"I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep."
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Personal Development
"Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions."
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Personal Development
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"I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different."
Earth
"Your planet's immune system is trying to get rid of you."
Environment
"A society, on occasion, can be the worst possible describer of mental health."
Society
"He gave me the key, which I later discovered would open practically every door in the hotel. I thanked him, and I made a small mistake we irony collectors often make: I tried to share an irony with a stranger. It can't be done. I told him I had been in the Arapahoe before-in Nineteen-hundred and Thirty-one. He was not interested."
Social
"What is my definition of jazz? 'Safe sex of the highest order."
Music
"I have been a soreheaded occupant of a file drawer labeled "science fiction" ... and I would like out, particularly since so many serious critics regularly mistake the drawer for a urinal."
Literature
"Somebody gets into trouble, then gets out of it again. People love that story. They never get tired of it."
Storytelling
"You can't just eat good food. You've got to talk about it too. And you've got to talk about it to somebody who understands that kind of food."
Social
"If I should ever die, God forbid, let this be my epitaph:THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDEDFOR THE EXISTENCE OF GODWAS MUSIC."
Faith
"I have no culture, no humane harmony in my brains. I can't live without a culture anymore."
Culture
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