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"I asked this heroic pet lover how it felt to have died for a schnauzer named Teddy. Salvador Biagiani was philosophical. He said it sure beat dying for absolutely nothing in the Viet Nam War."
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"I am eternally grateful for my knack of finding in great books, some of them very funny books, reason enough to feel honored to be alive, no matter what else might be going on."
Wisdom
"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth," the long out-of-print science fiction writer went on."
Creation
"There was a photograph of Trout. He was an old man with a full black beard. He looked like a frightened, aging Jesus, whose sentence to crucifixion had been commuted to imprisonment for life."
Appearance
"The brainless serenity of charwomen and janitors working late at night came over us. In a messy world we were at least making our little corner clean."
Peace
"The things other people have put into my head, at any rate, do not fit together nicely, are often useless and ugly, are out of proportion with one another, are out of proportion with life as it really is outside my head."
Reality
"Americans... are forever searching for love in forms it never takes, in places it can never be. It must have something to do with the vanished frontier."
Relationship
"Since Alice had never received any religious instruction, and since she had led a blameless life, she never thought of her awful luck as being anything but accidents in a very busy place. Good for her."
Fate
"If your brains were dynamite there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off."
Humor
"Don't forget to wind the restricted clock and put the confidential cat out."
Mystery
"We're really awful animals. I mean, that dumb Barbra Streisand song, 'People who need people are the luckiest people in the world' - she's talking about cannibals. Lot's to eat."
Humanity
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"I have forgotten all about my school days. I have a vague impression that they were detestable."
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"The funny part of being funny is when you start seeing your fans writing funny words and attributing them to you."
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Personal Development
"Starving whilst schooled is like a man's finding out that his wife is on her periods - a few seconds after he took Viagra."
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Personal Development
"I always listen to you. Except when I don't."
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Personal Development
"I'm sucking on a cancer stick trying to think of something inspiring to say to help someone have a better life. That's "Irony"."
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Personal Development
"The happiness of the superficial: when a man who has lost his donkey finds it again."
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Personal Development
"Irony: When those who call others a 'threat to Christianity' reject the crucial tenets of their own faith themselves."
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Personal Development
"What a moron I was to think you were sweet and innocent, when it turns out you were actually college-educated the whole time!"
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Personal Development
"And what's the irony?...In the end... we call the enemy friends... the fake people again friends... should I continue here with the words?"
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Personal Development
"What happens if a car comes? We die."
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Personal Development
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