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"I asked this heroic pet lover how it felt to have died for a schnauzer named Teddy. Salvador Biagiani was philosophical. He said it sure beat dying for absolutely nothing in the Viet Nam War."
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"In our native terms, the ironic style is often compounded with the sardonic and the hard-boiled; even the effortlessly superior. But irony originates in the glance and the shrug of the loser, the outsider, the despised minority. It is a nuance that comes most effortlessly to the oppressed."
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Personal Development
"I have forgotten all about my school days. I have a vague impression that they were detestable."
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Personal Development
"Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."
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Personal Development
"The funny part of being funny is when you start seeing your fans writing funny words and attributing them to you."
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Personal Development
"If you see this guy drowning, do not stop him, it might be Peter trying to walk on water reaching Christ."
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Personal Development
"Starving whilst schooled is like a man's finding out that his wife is on her periods - a few seconds after he took Viagra."
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Personal Development
"If there were a master of stupidity in this world, I would really love to listen to his success story."
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Personal Development
"Of course boredom may lead you to anything. It is boredom sets one sticking golden pins into people, but all that would not matter. What is bad (this is my comment again) is that I dare say people will be thankful for the gold pins then."
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Personal Development
"Brain research tells us that only twenty percent of human beings have a sense of irony, which means that eighty percent of the world takes everything at face value."
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Personal Development
"Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another."
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"This person has just arrived on this planet, knows nothing about it, has no standards by which to judge it. This person does not care what it becomes. It is eager to become absolutely anything it is supposed to be."
Growth
"Vanity rather than wisdom determines how the world is run."
Power
"Pretty, was she?""Pretty?" he echoed. "Mister, when I see my first lady angel, if God ever sees fit to show me one, it'll be her wings and not her face that'll make my mouth fall open. I've already seen the prettiest face that ever could be."
Faith
"We could have saved the Earth but we were too damned cheap."
Earth
"When things are going really well, we should take time to notice it."
Gratitude
"The human race is a scummy thing, and so is Earth, and so are you."
Reality
"Only one English word adequately describes his transformation of the islands from worthless to priceless: magical."
Change
"All these people talk so eloquently about getting back to good old-fashioned values. Well, as an old poop I can remember back to when we had those old-fashioned values, and I say let's get back to the good old-fashioned First Amendment of the good old-fashioned Constitution of the United States -- and to hell with the censors! Give me knowledge or give me death!"
Freedom
"... the sea pirates who had the most to do with the creation of the newgovernment owned human slaves. They used human beings for machinery, and, evenafter slavery was eliminated, because it was so embarrassing, they and theirdescendants continued to think of ordinary human beings as machines."
History
"How nice-to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive."
Philosophy
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