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"Polite conversation is rarely either."
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
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Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
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Personal Development
"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."
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Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
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Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
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Personal Development
"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."
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Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
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Personal Development
"Comedy strikes here... just to reduce pressure and depression."
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Personal Development
"They're both bungholes who think they're too noble to shit."
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Personal Development
"She breathed an enormous sigh, looked at Poirot, Looked away, and suddenly blurted out, "You're too old. Nobody told me you were so old. I really don't want to be rude but - there it is. You're too old. I'm really sorry." She turned abruptly and blundered out of the room, rather like a desperate moth in lamplight. Poirot, his mouth open, heard the bang of the front door. He ejaculated: "Non d'un nom d'un nom..."
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"I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not."
Humor
"Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add."
Self-Awareness
"When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough."
Wisdom
"Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back."
Attitude
"Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq."
Humor
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."
Humor
"If you're going to America, bring your own food."
Humor
"Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications."
Self-Awareness
"Andy Warhol made fame more famous."
Creativity
"There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior."
Wisdom
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