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"Polite conversation is rarely either."
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"Sometimes absurd logic can be amusing and heart-touching."
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Personal Development
"I think at its best the American sense of humor is the same as the British sense of humor at its best, which is to be wry and ironic and self deprecating."
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Personal Development
"Alimony: the cash surrender value of a husband."
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Personal Development
"Beware of giggle grins, they are highly contagious."
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Personal Development
"When I reprimanded my son for hair like Michael Jackson he said: "I don't see the problem you wear yours like Michael Jordan.""
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Personal Development
"God, you had enough time to have been through it three times. You've been through my stuff. I bet you over and let one of you stick the world's longest finger up my ass. If a prostate check is an exam, that was a motherfucking safari. I was scared to look down. I thought I'd see that guy's finger nail sticking out of my cock."
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Personal Development
"God alert!" Blackjack yelled. "It's the wine dude!Mr. D sighed in exasperation. "The next person, or horse, who calls me the 'wine dude' will end up in a bottle of Merlot!"
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Personal Development
"Probably went swimming and got eaten by a pineapple."
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Personal Development
"Monkeys who very sensibly refrain from speech, lest they should be set to earn their livings."
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Personal Development
"You always do good ones. We trust you, Mr. Duke," Says Dylan. Foolish lads, thinks Felix: never trust a professional ham."
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"When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough."
Wisdom
"There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior."
Wisdom
"I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota."
Wisdom
"In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."
Humor
"Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk."
Humor
"Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met."
Wisdom
"Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add."
Self-Awareness
"My favorite animal is steak."
Humor
"All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable."
Wisdom
"The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink."
Humor
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