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"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."
Gay
"Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist."
Missionaries
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
Work
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
Love
"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."
School
"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"
Father
"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."
Beer
"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"
Wife
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Men
"Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?"
Children
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"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."
Author Name
Personal Development
"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Yes, sir. I'm a real Southern boy. I got a red neck, white socks, and Blue Ribbon beer."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Beer, it's the best damn drink in the world."
Author Name
Personal Development
"In the summer we graduated we flipped out completely, drinking beer, cruising in our cars and beating up each other. It was a crazy summer. That's when I started to be interested in girls."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Paintings are like a beer, only beer tastes good and it's hard to stop drinking beer."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I never had one beer. If I bought a six-pack of beer, I kept drinking till all six beers were gone. You have to have that kind of understanding about yourself. I haven't had a drink now in 12 years."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I can drink on the job if I want to. I can go on stage with a beer and it's OK. I can say whatever I want. It's a great job to have."
Author Name
Personal Development
"It was my first scene. My first day. We could have started with me drinking a beer, something a little less than having Barbies touching each other. But they started with that."
Author Name
Personal Development
"On the tour we get a case of beer on the bus every day from Ozzfest."
Author Name
Personal Development
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