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"A distinguished clergyman told me that he chose the profession of a clergyman because it afforded the most leisure for literary pursuits. I would recommend to him the profession of a governor."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Most politicians lie for the same reason a monkey swings by his tail, which is to say because he can."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Piracy n: commerce without its folly-swaddles - just as God made it."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Or he'd watch the news: more plagues, more famines, more floods, more insect or microbe or small-mammal outbreaks, more droughts, more chickenshit boy-soldier wars in distant countries. Why was everything so much like itself?"
Author Name
Personal Development
"Shall I ask you how the church is to be filled, if a man is neither to take orders with a living, nor without?"
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Personal Development
"New York is a sucked orange."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Fella says today, 'Depression is over. I seen a jackrabbit, an' they wasn't nobody after him.' An' another fella says, 'That aint the reason. Can't afford to kill jackrabbits no more. Catch 'em and milk 'em an' turn 'em loose. One you seen prob'ly gone dry."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Time is a waste of money."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Now-a-days, men wear a fool's cap, and call it a liberty cap."
Author Name
Personal Development
"On the Kite, the situation was being 'workshopped'. This is the means by which people who don't know anything get together to pool their ignorance."
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Personal Development
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"It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man."
Evolution
"Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage."
Democracy
"The only cure for contempt is counter-contempt."
Reflection
"War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands."
Conflict
"No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not."
Reflection
"In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican."
Politics
"Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven."
Democracy
"Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man."
Reflection
"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary."
Politics
"Life is a dead-end street."
Life
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