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"Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'"
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"Illusion is the first of all pleasures."
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Personal Development
"In the first place, Descartes stands for the most explicit and uncompromising dualism between mind and matter."
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Personal Development
"I remember my first show was a live TV show in Ireland, and I was just petrified. It was horrific."
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Personal Development
"If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe."
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Personal Development
"I consider myself a poet first and a musician second. I live like a poet and I'll die like a poet."
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Personal Development
"A little simplification would be the first step toward rational living, I think."
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Personal Development
""Think simple" as my old master used to say - meaning reduce the whole of its parts into the simplest terms, getting back to first principles."
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Personal Development
"The First Amendment is not without limits."
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Personal Development
"A lot of the advertisement is done by saying: first of all, have a complex about who you are."
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Personal Development
"First of all - I only believe what I see."
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"In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath."
Man
"Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob."
War
"Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language."
Success
"President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003."
President
"In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have."
Cure
"Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly."
Party
"Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."
Life
"Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me."
School
"Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion."
Exhaustion
"The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army."
Government
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