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"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."
Gay
"Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist."
Missionaries
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
Work
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
Love
"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."
School
"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"
Father
"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."
Beer
"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"
Wife
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Men
"Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?"
Children
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"Sometimes it takes a natural disaster to reveal a social disaster."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Pride and excess bring disaster for man."
Author Name
Personal Development
"What's sort of interesting about the whole public relations disaster that is the Net, in some ways, is that the fundamentals are really good."
Author Name
Personal Development
"W2K will be a bigger disaster than Y2K."
Author Name
Personal Development
"First, those images help us understand the general and specific magnitude of disaster caused by the tsunami. The huge outpouring of aid would not have happened without those images."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Our agricultural economy in the Hudson Valley continues to face historically low prices and producer income, as well as losses due to weather and other disasters."
Author Name
Personal Development
"If we continue to address the issue of the environment where we live as though we're the only species that lives here, we'll create a disaster for ourselves."
Author Name
Personal Development
"You know, when something like, even like a coal mine disaster, or something like this, you think that well everybody's going to make a run to be able to get out, but it happened to fast that they were just all dead."
Author Name
Personal Development
"There could have been more planning in New Orleans, but you look at all the devastation that happened there - have we gotten to 3,000 deaths yet? For that magnitude of a disaster, that's not all that bad."
Author Name
Personal Development
"The average man is a conformist, accepting miseries and disasters with the stoicism of a cow standing in the rain."
Author Name
Personal Development
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