"Lotsa people want to hurt me. That's the price you pay for being a big mouth."

"If the Americans go in and overthrow Saddam Hussein and it's clean, he has nothing, I will apologize to the nation, and I will not trust the Bush administration again."

"That's my advice to all homosexuals, whether they're in the Boy Scouts, or in the Army or in high school: Shut up, don't tell anybody what you do, your life will be a lot easier."

"Yeah, I'm obnoxious, yeah, I cut people off, yeah, I'm rude. You know why? Because you're busy."

"Dan Rather is guilty of not being skeptical enough about a story that was politically loaded."

"It's hard to do it because you gotta look people in the eye and tell 'em they're irresponsible and lazy. And who's gonna wanna do that? Because that's what poverty is, ladies and gentlemen. In this country, you can succeed if you get educated and work hard. Period. Period."

"As the tree is bent, so it will grow."

"Americans will respect your beliefs if you just keep them private."

"When I die, I don't want my demise to be used as a political rally, and that's what happened yesterday."

"This country is a better place because Fox News has succeeded."

"You want to have two guys making out in front of your 4-year-old? It's OK with them. A guy smoking a joint, blowing the smoke into your little kid's face? OK with them. And I'm not exaggerating here. This is exactly what the secular movement stands for."

"Public misbehavior by the famous is a powerful teaching tool."

"Jobs that cannot be delivered must never be promised. It's unfair to raise people's hopes that way."

"You could put on monkeys jumping up and down and get bigger numbers than MSNBC."