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"An imaginary friend once asked me why Americans can't stand Russia. The answer was cold, deadly, silent, and, well expected. It's because in Soviet Russia nothing happens anymore, because it doesn't exist anymore. And Americans are all about happenings. If there isn't one " they don't go where it isn't, because there isn't anything to happen to them there."
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"Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with."
"They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters."
"After having so nobly disentangled themselves from the shackles of Parental Authority, by a Clandestine Marriage, they were determined never to forfeit the good opinion they had gained in the World, in so doing, by accepting any proposals of reconciliation that might be offered them by their Fathers, to their farther trial of their noble independence however they never were exposed."
"A distinguished clergyman told me that he chose the profession of a clergyman because it afforded the most leisure for literary pursuits. I would recommend to him the profession of a governor."
"I picked up one of the books and flipped through it. Don't get me wrong, I like reading. But some books should come with warning labels: Caution: contains characters and plots guaranteed to induce sleepiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery after ingesting more than one chapter. Has been known to cause blindness, seizures and a terminal loathing of literature. Should only be taken under the supervision of a highly trained English teacher. Preferably one who grades on the curve."
Explore more quotes by Will Advise
"If I did sales - my technique would be to hand-seal each deal with gourmet omelets, by Jarod Kintz's secret invisible recipe that I stole."
"When I battle wits with Jarod Kintz I always feel like I need to take my brain out to give him a transplant. Bad part is we don't have any."
"I wonder how Japan's futuristic robot doctors will treat the worst and most widespread disease humanity already has - artificially lowered IQ. Making people stupider makes them buy more stuff " so 'How many robots can you afford? will be the big question of one of the following decades, unless we go back to Communism and produce everything for the sake of it, for free."
"If I were offering hip replacement services I'd use Jarod Kintz as my spokesman. No one can possibly be better than him, to replace the missing spoke in your wheels."
"On building homes for fallen angels:When I was small - I sought a home,a place to go and rest my bones.Then founded something, of my own,I lived among the restless stones.If seeking leads you back to evil,what good is that, I asked a weevil.He said a home is what you make,it can't be real, if it is fake...And if you wait instead of seek,will you find love, or something bleak?I know (myself) for I have found,a beauty, hidden " in a sound.Waiting is boring.And so is exploring.A smile is sometimes all it takes.And then your whole world simply breaks."
"The best Christmas present you can give to your dead grandfather is not showing up until Easter. And telling no one about it. Especially not yourself."
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